I did nothing today. Enjoyed it. Hated myself for it.
I think I will focus more on negative space in my drawings from now on, I think it gives more drama.
-I could be your suicide policeman-
Lyrics taken from a song called “Suicide Policeman” by ‘Yuck’
Exams are finally over; more free time to create pointless drawings.
-You haven’t been talking lately…-
-I haven’t had anything to say-
People always misinterpret my silence.
Quotes, informed opinion, the ravings of the religious and the lunatic fringe. I could have thrown it all at her. I could have told her that what she was going through was quite normal for an unconditioned human. I could have told her that it would all pass with time. That there were psychodynamic disciplines for dealing with it. That millions of other people survived it. I could even have told her that whichever God she owed nominal allegiance to was watching over her. I could have lied, I could have reasoned. It all would have meant about the same, because the reality was just pain, and right now there was nothing anyone could do to take it away.
I said nothing.
Sometimes my attacks can be so strong I can pass out. I don’t really understand why I pass out, but before I do, the process is pretty overwhelming. It isn’t like in the picture in the sense that I hallucinate. Initially, it’s like the normal feeling I get all the time, so I can keep it under control. Soon enough, my limbs begin to feel heavier or maybe it’s more like a lack of control… I’m not sure really, I don’t tend to remember things too well. The scariest part for me however, is when I try to rest on something to calm myself down but I don’t feel it there, sometimes I feel like I’m just going to fall over. At this point, I can lose perception of what’s going on around me and I can only hear myself, freaking out in my head. Usually I can stumble to my bed unnoticed, black out and reawaken within about an hour. Other times I’m not so lucky.